I admitted him the other day, he’s still a bit strong and get up on his feet with littlet assistance until the last night when started to detetiorate physically and neurogolically.
A large mass was found in his brain and the doctors would like to find where it started. Tests were run and revealed that he has adrenocarcinoma in the liver and has metastasized to his brain. An adenocarcinoma is a different type of cancer, it originates from outside of the liver. Adenocarcinoma means a malignant tumor in epithelial tissue, specifically in a gland.
I don’t know if I could ever learn how to hold back my tears in times like this. I was at the bedside when the doctor broke the news to the patient and relatives. They all burst in tears and only a person with no emotion could not be affected.
Last night, he showed no signs of improvement. He is vomiting coffee ground subsstance. We call that hemoptysis. A sign that he is bleeding in the gut which is a sign that the liver is giving up. A nasogastric tube was put in place but he cannot still be fed. He’s complaining of hunger but we cannot him food or fluid by mouth as yet.
Before the midnight strikes, he was moved to medical ICU for close monitoring and we all felt that something bad is waiting to happen.
A few hours after he was moved to ICU, code blue was called there.

After more than a month of hibernation, I finally made it to my rheumatologist for my follow up check up. He asked me to be back on December 18th but circumstances prevented me from seeing him then.
Anyhow, I went straight to him after my pm duty. After a rough night, losing my cell phone to a pickpocket, having my bag slashed and having 2 level 2 patients one of which almost coded.
I told my doctor that I have stopped taking all my medications except for the steroids and calcium supplement. I told him that I tried to observe if there would be improvement in my crea-protein ratio, proteinuria and hematuria and cholesterol without popping any pills.
He was not pleased to learn about it. He told me that just because the lab results has showed decrease in abnormal values, it does not mean that non-compliance to medication contributed to it. In fact, he emphasized that I may not be manifesting symptoms of exacerbations because the potency of my medications is still there and once it has drained out, I could expect for the worse.
Seriously, it did not scare me at all. I am too tired of living on medications. I just let him scribble prescriptions and asked me to go back after two weeks with my latest lab work up results.
I went out, with strong faith that God will be my greatest healer. I will leave it all up to him. I will just continue to be on steroids and simvastatin. I will also maintain my sambong tea and buko juice intake.
God, be my healer.

After the first blow to my nursing career another one comes in. I just got word from my headnurse about the medication error I have committed. I can sense her frustration in her voice and she actually voiced it out. As the tears were about to escape from my eyes, she grabbed my hand and brought me to the locker room. She asked me how I feel. I just sobbed. I feel so frustrated about myself. I am beginning to think, am I really fit for the job? What if the panel has made a mistake in choosing me over a thousand of candidates?
How am I supposed to save lives?
I feel like Kelly on Hawthorne. I lack the confidence but shall I give up? Did I buy myself one-way ticket to hell? Even if I did not, there’s no use to cry over the mistakes in the major decision that I have made about my career change. I have to move on. I promise myself that I will rise to the occasion. I will not be a failure. I owe it to myself more than anyone else. I just need some gut.
God help me.

My heart is pounding. I am about to report for duty. I will be out in a bit. Good thing I have to head for the church first. I pray that God will get me through all of this mess.
I am really scared. I am jumpy.

I would like to think that I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed but reality is hitting hard on me.
I heard an awful news today and I felt like a puppy abandoned on the gutter on one rainy night.
I am trying to shake my head just so I could come to my senses but this is the real thing.
Here’s my two cents:
If being an object of displacement and blaming me for your loss will help you sleep through the night, so be it. I can only do so much. I am not God. You prayed for him to live but he did not. What does it mean? I just hope that you guys would come to your senses and realize that things happen for a reason, we may not understand the reason for now, but there will come a time that we will. For the time being, let me carry your cross for you just to help you get through the day.

Right after the endorsement, I did my usual morning rounds to check on and assess my patients. I was surprised to learn that one of my patients was out of bed, out of the room actually. He was at the penthouse hearing mass as he was among those who received the first communion invitations This event would not be up until lunch time so I had to take a raincheck on carrying out on my responsibilities to him.

The results are in. I have gotten my latest lab results and I am very thankful for the dramatic change in both my creatinine protein ratio and my LDL. My cp has decreased from 8.87 to 2.31 while my LDL is now close to normal although my overall cholesterol level is still way above normal, it has also dropped some significant points. This maybe attributed I think to me not having completely abstaining from eating meat and fatty foods. We have had balikbayans and they have craved for Filipino home cooked foods such as menudo and sinigang and home delivery foods from Max’s and Jollibee. Tomorrow, I will be having a consult with my rheumatologist. Since I do not have HMO to cover my medical expenses, I have decided to go for him instead of the nephro consult. i still have to listen to what he has to say and I will ask for a nephro referral. Dishing some money nowadays should be given thorough thoughts and I want to get the best out of my money.

The only drawback of my resignation from my post, if there would be any, is the insurance coverage that I have lost. I know that there is always affordable life insurance around but still, my faith is stronger than ever and I know that God would be my shield against any danger in this world. He knows that my heart beats for something else and the pulsation of this reality has been trying to escape my chest for the longest.
I have my mindset. I have my dreams. I have my desire. I had to breakaway.

My prayer has been answered. My resignation was signed by my manager before he left at around 9 p.m. last night right after the chaos in the office has been resolved.
It is my last scheduled rest day today and usually, I am up and about running errands during my off. This time was different. I stayed in bed the whole day as if there was no tomorrow. I slept like a baby.
I feel worry free about where by big decision in life would bring me. There were things that need to be considered before I tendered my resignation and it is mostly financially. But these never crossed my mind when I made my decision. I prayed and I have longed for this day to happen. For all its worth, I am really happy and I do not worry about my future because I asked God to guide me all way through it.
I thank Him for giving me the chance to breakaway.

Calamities after calamities happened in just a matter of one month. Typhoon Pepeng has left many people lifeless, homeless or displaced in the northern part of the country. The prices of agriculture supplies and crops including horse supplies have doubled up since the roads to and from the production site have been closed.
I am hoping that we manage to get over this in God’s grace.